


it's alright, it's okay

by appjoose



Category: Original Work
Genre: Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Original Character(s), Original Universe, Other, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-26 17:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19010347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appjoose/pseuds/appjoose
Summary: emmett lauman is not a bad person.





	it's alright, it's okay

**Author's Note:**

> i thought id try postin smth i wrote??? ahhh uhh this is from a short series of things i wanna work on with original characters! this is a snippet about emmett, the main character, and his struggles with past abuse and the way it affects him now. takes place after an argument with his best friend, stella.
> 
> title from mother mother's song it's alright ! (highly recommend)

it’s exactly 10:54 pm when he gets the call. he’s seated in a mcdonald’s booth, hands wrapped around a coffee cup, an empty box of chicken nuggets beside him. his phone vibrates in his pocket. he lets it go unanswered and, a few seconds later, it begins to vibrate again. this time, he answers. 

“emmett…?” his sister’s soft voice rings out, hesitant. it’s obvious that she knows what happened, but eloise isn’t one to push things.

“yeah?” his voice cracks, and he internally curses. “what’s up?”

“where are you? stella said you disappeared? did you eat?” the mention of his best friend makes him feel guilty again. he knows she’s more worried than angry, but he can’t face her. not after all the things he said.

“i’m at the mcdonald’s. the one by the north woods. i, uh… ran here. julian gave me a free six piece because i was crying,” he glances over to the counter, where julian is playing games on his phone.

“that’s good. i mean, it’s good that you ate. do you want me to pick you up?”

“please?” he doesn’t want to be picked up. he knows they’re going to talk, but he doesn’t have his thoughts together yet. he really just wants to fuck off to the woods, or maybe the beach - somewhere to clear his head. he doesn’t think it would help, though.

“i’ll be there in ten. stay inside, alright? it’s cold out here,” she hangs up the phone, and emmett is left in silence. the mcdonald’s is mostly empty, aside from julian, one cook, and an older man watching tv in the corner. the tv is on silent, and there are no captions, but he seems to be enjoying himself.

emmett looks down into his phone, sighing when he sees his reflection. his hair is a mess, his face is red and blotchy, and his eyes have dark circles underneath them. he’s tired. stella comes to the front of his mind again, and it feels like someone is carving out his chest. he might act like an uncaring asshole, but god, he feels horrible. 

really, he didn’t mean to snap. so much had been happening at once. stella just wanted to help - everyone did, but emmett was terrified of that. he thinks he might be terrified of a lot of things. he looks down at his phone again - five minutes until eloise would show up. he isn’t ready for the talk they’re going to have, but he swallows his anxieties down and starts to put his cardigan back on.

“finally leaving?” julian smirks at him from behind the register, uniform unbuttoned at the top. he’s leaning against the counter, lazily tapping away at some mobile fish game. emmett nods.

“take care of yourself, kid. more people care than you realize,” he smiles, then disappears around the corner. emmett hears a faint “welcome to mcdonald’s, may i take your order?”

emmett stares for a second, shakes his head, and walks out the door. the breeze makes him shiver slightly, though he might have already been shaking. he wouldn't know the difference. 

eloise pulls up a few minutes later, and he can see her staring at him through the windows. she looks worried. he opens the door and gets in, buckles his seatbelt. he sits stiffly, back straight.

“relax, man. i’m not gonna scold you. i just wanna talk.”

“that’s exactly what i’m afraid of,” he shoots. she grins at him, then straightens out. her smile drops when she starts talking.

“i know… you didn’t mean the things you said to her. you would never mean that. i know you don’t see it, em, but you’re a good kid. you’re just… a little fucked up. i am, too. they really messed us up, huh.” eloise sighs, looking out at the street lights. she’s taking the long way home, he knows. they only ever talk in the car. he nods.

“after you left, she… got worse. and so did dad. the only reason i’m here is because i couldn’t… cover the bruises up. i didn’t have enough bandages.”

“i know. i’m so fucking sorry for leaving, emmett, but i needed to get out. i would’ve…”

“i know, i know. i don’t blame you, i just… wish they would’ve been different? i don’t know. i wish our family had been… normal?” he laughs a little, tears welling up in his eyes. eloise cracks a smile.

“you know stella doesn’t blame you, right? she just wants to help.”

“sounds fake, but okay.”

“i’m serious! emmett… when you were sent here by cps, she was the first person you talked to. a month later, and you two were attached at the hip. it’s been two years since then. two years. you two have only grown closer and closer. she cares about you, and nothing will change that. even if you’re a dumbass sometimes, even if you make mistakes. she loves you.”

“i just… i don’t want her to hate me. i don’t want any of them to hate me. but i can’t… do what they ask. i can’t be open, i can’t be… vulnerable with them. i’m scared to be touched, i’m scared to talk to them, i’m scared to be nice. i don’t know what else to do! i’ve been this way my entire life, and i don’t know… how to fix it.” 

he’s crying now, and eloise reaches into the glove box to hand him a box of tissues. she pulls into a small parking lot - they’ve gotten to cedar lane, the road that overlooks the ocean, where emmett usually goes to think. he looks out at the sea, completely dark. the moon and stars reflect across the surface, a few large boats and a lighthouse can be seen in the distance. it’s peaceful.

“what mom and dad did to us is… inexcusable. there will never be a reasoning i accept from them. it affected both of us, but you especially. they got worse, and i… wasn’t there. you need to understand, em, that your reactions aren’t your fault.”

“they caused this, and the fact that you recognize the effect they had on you is improvement in itself. it’s… hard to move past the things they did. i mean, look at me! i’m almost thirty and i still get scared when someone is washing the dishes too… angrily,” she laughs a bit, but it’s sad. her eyes start to shine with tears.

“i’m not asking you to forgive them, and i’m not forcing you to move on. i just… want you to be happier. i want you to forgive yourself. you’re just a kid. you’re going to make mistakes. stella understands that you have flaws, she understands that you have trouble trusting people. all she wants is an apology, okay? that’s all she needs. she loves you.”

“i… can do that,” he says hesitantly, “i’m just afraid that… i might end up like them. i don’t wanna be like that. i don’t wanna hurt people,” he sobs into his tissue, clutching his wrist to keeps his hand from trembling. “i’m scared that it might be too late.”

“em, you might be an asshole sometimes, but you’re not fucking abusive. you never have the intention to hurt people. you know that sometimes you do bad things. if you were abusive, you wouldn’t feel so guilty about this. if anything, just… use it as a lesson. learn to think before saying stupid shit. learn to forgive yourself for making mistakes. it's not too late to change. none of us will ever be perfect,” she dabs at her own tears, “it’s what makes us human.”

he nods, wiping his face down with another tissue.   
“should we head home?”

he takes a long look at the ocean - the stars that reflect off the surface, the boats and lighthouses, the moonlight. with a deep breath, he nods, settling back into his seat. eloise starts the car and pulls out of the parking lot, back onto cedar lane. after a few minutes pass, emmetts crying has completely stopped, and he’s watching the buildings that pass by through his window. he makes a decision.

“i think… i might try therapy. or a psychiatrist. benji says it really helps him.”

“i’ll start looking into it tomorrow. it might help you open up a bit – it’s always easier with strangers,” she smiles, and he smiles back. when she reaches over to take his hand, she doesn’t speak, but he understands what she’s telling him. even when it feels like he’s on his own, she’ll be there.


End file.
